Last updated on November 8th, 2024 at 03:30 pm
Both a public and a personal issue, the question of how we boost empathy in boys remains relevant and important. In this guide, we look at how to raise an empathetic child.
The impact of the murders of Sarah Everard and Sabina Nessa a few years ago was deeply felt by all.
They triggered renewed fear in women who, like me, had on many occasions hopped on the night bus home, alone and late at night.
But in the hearts of mothers who, also like me, are now raising sons, lurks another, different, grain of fear.
Fear that our sons, while not necessarily growing up to exercise violence or hate towards women, may grow into men who lack empathy.
In fact, there are still many influences pulling them away from empathy and respect towards others, and in particular the opposite sex.
“Men Don’t Cry”
Historically, and from a young age, boys are encouraged to be strong and tough, not to cry and not to be fearful. Expressions such as “Man Up”, “Don’t be such a girl” and “Men Don’t Cry” indicate that showing vulnerability makes you weak and hard to respect.
But research has shown that encouraging boys to withhold their tears and remain stoic can have a damaging effect on their mental health later in life.
Toxic Masculinity
Although there may have been considerable developments in relation to equality and acceptance of difference, there’s also been a recent focus on what has now become a widely known term: toxic masculinity.
Coined by professor Shepherd Bliss in the 1980s to describe his authoritarian, military father, the dictionary definition of toxic masculinity is:
“a cultural concept of manliness that glorifies stoicism, strength, virility, and dominance, and that is socially maladaptive and harmful to mental health”.
The definition goes on to say that:
“men and women both suffer when toxic masculinity perpetuates expectations that are restrictive and traumatising”.
This is such an interesting point and one I don’t think I’ve given enough consideration to before the pitfalls of toxic masculinity are experienced deeply by men as well as women.
I hadn’t known prior to writing this article that the term had actually been introduced by a man and one who was involved in organising therapeutic retreats and workshops for men. Perhaps it shouldn’t be called toxic masculinity, but rather toxic society.
To read more about the link between toxic masculinity and mental health issues, read this.
If your child is experiencing anxiety or feelings of depression, take a look at How NLP For Kids Can Help With Anxiety. However, always approach a medical professional in the first instance and if you are particularly concerned.
Emotional Development During Adolescence
When do children develop empathy?
I truly believe that many men, as fathers, believe that they are protecting their sons by telling them not to cry in the playground – ensuring that they don’t meet the judgement of other boys and preparing them for the realities of adult life. In many cases, it comes from a good place and is well-intentioned.
However, often there’s not a huge focus on teaching kids empathy, and some find themselves unequipped to respond when other children are hurt or upset.
However, the reality of adolescence and adult life is that many men feel unable to talk about how they feel in the way that women do. They often don’t have access to the kind of language which aids the expression of thought, and because of this, they have difficulty processing their feelings too.
While sharing vulnerability breeds empathy between females, often it stimulates only discomfort in males. It’s difficult for some men to demonstrate empathy in relationships.
But a more frightening reality of adult life currently is that rates of depression, self-harm and suicide in boys and young men are increasing (for more information, check out this Edutopia article).
While such issues are complex, it’s clear that withholding or finding it difficult to share feelings isn’t going to positively impact those statistics.
What Causes A Lack Of Empathy In Men?
If we look at violent crimes such as the mass shooting at Columbine in 1999, they are almost exclusively committed by men. But what leads boys to become men like the ones who killed Sarah Everard and Sabina Nessa?
1. Feelings of power and failure
The expectations placed upon boys and young men with regards to what they should achieve, how they should behave and even what they should look like often weigh heavily.
NPR Org’s article: ‘School Shooters: What’s Their Path To Violence’ pinpoints multiple (perceived) failures, depression and often childhood trauma as pre-cursors to violent crimes such as the Columbine massacre.
Although constructions of masculinity vary between cultures, violence by men towards women often occurs when men’s idealised sense of masculine identity is threatened. Do they feel powerless when they’re told they should be powerful? Do they feel like a failure when they’re told that men should be providers? Boys and men are given powerful messages about how they should be.
Boys from backgrounds which include violence within the home (or the condoning/ acceptance of it), poor family functioning or social rejection by peers are particularly susceptible.
2. Computer Games
Other influences may include computer games, predominantly played by boys, where violence is commonplace and normalised. Raised as a concern in the Jamie Bulger case in 1993 and the aforementioned Columbine shooting, research findings on this link have varied.
Some have cited that there is no evidence of a link between such games and violent behaviour, and others propose there is a clear link to increased aggressive behaviour.
3. Porn
Easy access to online porn, sometimes violent and often unrealistic, is affecting many boy’s views on sexual relations and what they feel they’re entitled to. T
he rise of the term ‘incel’ (involuntary celibate), most recently talked about following the Plymouth murders this year, highlights the dangers of a growing sense of anger and misogyny amongst young men who feel they’re not living the life they should be.
4. Stereotypes
What is clear is that, while womanhood has been redefined over the years, men and boys are still locked into the same stereotype they were years ago. The range of emotions we accept from boys is narrow – with anger being among the accepted few. Empathy in boys is less prized.
We parent girls and boys differently as a society. Just as anger is more accepted in boys, it is less accepted in girls and this has also undoubtedly led to difficulties for women: ‘imposter syndrome’ and worry over seeming ‘too assertive’, ‘crazy’ or ‘hormonal’.
5. Nature versus Nurture
Biological factors (for example, psychopathy or head injury) do have an impact on an individual’s potential for violence or lack of empathy. However, more commonly, childhood trauma such as neglect, physical abuse or dysfunctional parenting are the triggers.
The influence of groups and gang violence is significant and sociological theories such as the impact of capitalism on individualism and violence are worth considering too.
6. Gender construction
Gender construction as a concept is shifting but societal reinforcement of gender stereotypes is still vast, and largely unconscious. There are times I feel that my son is much less empathic than my daughter – his reaction is minimal if I hurt myself, for example.
However, I’m starting to wonder whether we as parents may not have given him less attention and empathy when, in the past, he has hurt himself – and in so doing, he’s had limited experience with this feeling. In reality, girls are not born more naturally empathic than boys, they’ve just been able to practice those feelings more.
How Do Boys Gain Empathy?
So, what can we do as parents to help boost empathy in boys? How do we tackle a lack of empathy in children?
It’s ok to feel
First, children (both girls and boys) need to be taught that all feelings, even the unpleasant ones, are normal and will often pass.
Rather than encouraging children to shut themselves off from their feelings and refrain from responding to them, we need to encourage children to recognise their feelings and cope with them in a constructive way – by crying, talking it through or even thumping a pillow (my favourite!)
As adults, we need to accept children’s feelings when they do come to us with them, rather than dismissing or denying them.
Crying is a healthy ‘self-soothing’ behaviour, a release which often makes us feel a bit better afterwards. It’s cathartic and self-regulating. It’s also an attachment behaviour which increases our bonds with others when we cry and are comforted.
6 Tips To Help Boost Empathy in Boys
- Refrain from the “Don’t cry” talk. Encourage the tears, and then help your child find a constructive way to move forward.
- As parents of boys (and girls, for that matter), encourage friendships with the opposite sex. If your children go to a single-sex school, choose activities outside school where they’re going to be exposed to the other gender in a positive way. My son isn’t really a “drama type”, but he goes to a drama/dance group every Saturday where he is in the minority as a male and he often comments on how talented the girls in his group are. We’ve encouraged his attendance for this reason, and luckily he enjoys it.
- If you have children of both genders, consciously make a decision not to offer gendered chores – for example, asking your son to take the rubbish out and asking your daughter to set the table. Make sure everyone does everything.
- Talk to your sons openly about porn, consent and what’s around on the internet. Fake news and anti-feminist propaganda abound. Websites such as Return of Kings (now ‘on hiatus’) have aimed for the return of ‘the masculine man’, with articles such as ‘The Pussification of Western Society and How to Overcome It’. Talk about these articles and fact-check them with your son. Make it normal to bring up topics around the table (for example, the MeToo Movement).
- Read up further on the subject. Take a look at my article on the best resources and books on empathy for kids: 16 Books to Boost Empathy in Boys.
- Make use of resources online. One of my absolute favourites is this video on consent – explained in a way you just can’t argue with:
Why Dads Are Key in Boosting Empathy in Boys
As parents, there are many unconscious biases at work, and we have to be proactive about challenging our own parenting approaches and responses to our children’s behaviour.
Role modelling behaviour is key and in the case of fathers and sons, dads need to demonstrate their willingness to open up and talk about how they’re feeling, even if it’s just a “sorry I was in a bad mood earlier, I was feeling frustrated about a conversation I had with someone at work today”.
A positive male role model
Dads are particularly central when it comes to raising boys. As a social worker in frontline services, most of the boys I worked with didn’t have an active father figure present in their lives. They’d lost their direction and were at risk of being influenced by older boys and gangs who provided a less-than-positive paternal figure.
Obviously, this is not to say that boys in single-parent families cannot thrive, but in those cases, it is always helpful to try and identify and promote emotionally intelligent, caring and supportive males within their orbit – for example, uncles, grandfathers, friends of the family, older cousins, teachers, sports coaches and mentors.
How Dad Treats Mum
For families where the parents are together, it is particularly important for boys to witness how their father talks to and behaves towards their mother.
Does he sympathise when she’s hurt herself? Does he listen attentively when she talks, rather than talk over her or ignore what she has to say? Does he take on an equal share of the household chores and do so without being asked? Is he affectionate and kind and considerate of her needs?
Affection
Dads need to be actively affectionate towards their sons; something that may feel less comfortable as boys grow older but nonetheless remains vital. An arm around them, a hug, telling them that they love them.
A lot of boys’ sense of self-worth is wrapped up in what they feel their Dad thinks of them. Dads (or positive male role models) need to be involved in boosting empathy in boys.
Empathy for All
It may be easier for boys to have empathy for their family and friends or people who are similar to them, but the challenge is to try and encourage children to have empathy for people outside of their immediate circle of concern.
As parents, we need to model concern and appreciation for many different people with very different circumstances from our own. Children need to be encouraged to listen to those who are different from them, not just those who have the same views as them.
Although the horror of the attacks on Sarah Everard and Sabina Ness cannot be minimised or denied, I do feel hopeful about the acknowledgement that there is still work to be done and the fact that attention has been shone on this issue.
That it’s come further out into the light was both upsetting and necessary. On a personal note, I feel I’ve woken up and seen the need to take action now, before it may be too late. And there is, undoubtedly, power in that.
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