Last updated on November 5th, 2024 at 04:37 pm
A little kindness goes a long way. But, how, specifically can we promote and encourage kindness for kids?
Read on to find out more about the importance of teaching kids empathy, kindness and generosity and how to show kindness to others.
Can We Teach Kids To Be Kind?
First off, what do we think of as ‘kindness’? Is it helping others? Showing empathy? Sharing? A sense of justice and ‘doing the right thing’? Perhaps it’s all of these and more. Perhaps our acts of kindness are as individualised and unique as we are.
I’ve always thought that there are certain people who are immensely thoughtful. It seems to come naturally to them – birthday cards and gifts, remembering important dates, checking in to see if you are ok, and always helping others.
But if it’s something that comes naturally, then can you teach kindness? And if so, how?
The (Brief) Science Bit
There are scientifically proven benefits to being kind – including the reduction of stress, anxiety and depression.
The release of serotonin and oxytocin when we do something for others helps us feel relaxed, calm and happy. Even witnessing a kind act can produce those feelings in us, making us more likely to ‘pay it forward’.
Not only that, but being kind may also be an evolved and sensible pattern of behaviour.
Darwin recognised that helping others was a part of natural selection as ‘tribes who were always ready to aid one another, would be victorious over most other tribes.’ In Descent of Man, Darwin argues that we are, at the core, a social and caring species. So, being kind is good for us in many ways.
How To Be Kind
Below are 5 important aspects of kindness which can easily be explained (and demonstrated) to children.
1. Cultivating Thoughtfulness And Empathy
On the subject of kindness for kids, communication and fostering curiosity in children are key. Try asking your kids
“Did anyone do anything for you today, or did you do anything for anyone else?”
My daughter responded the other day with “my friend told me my presentation was great”. Helping children to identify acts of kindness makes it much more likely they’ll reciprocate and show kindness to others.
Encourage kids to find and focus on the positives. If your child’s friend shows them a picture they drew and they don’t love it, help them think of something they do like about it (for example: “I love the colours”).
While honesty is important in some cases, your child needs to think about whether saying what they don’t like about the picture would be useful or kind.
Kids teaching kids the best way to be kind to each other is pretty powerful. Teaching kindness can be something other people do. You as a parent can highlight when it happens!
While we need to be careful about telling children they should be grateful for what they’ve got, we can impart a similar message in more subtle ways.
I’ll talk about my work in adoption and fostering with the kids and I try to hunt for stuff on TV which might help them think about the world around them and the different circumstances in which people live (for this, check out The Kindness Diaries with Leon Logothetis).
Read my article How Do We Boost Empathy in Boys for more on teaching empathy and 16 Books to Boost Empathy in Boys for resources to help you.
Schools are becoming much more clued up about encouraging kindness too. Many schools now celebrate Empathy Day in June (check out Empathy Lab for more information).
One of the things my daughters’ school introduced as part of this was the Kindness jar – kids added examples of kind acts they’d carried out (making Mum a cup of tea, helping tidy up, calling their Grandma to see how she was).
Other ways of promoting kindness for kids might include sorting through toys and giving these to the paediatric department of your local hospital (most will accept all items, other than soft toys).
Raising money for charity is also a fantastic option, and the sponsored activity can be anything which appeals to you as a family.
A few kindness activities for kids ideas:
- Save The Children offers some great fundraising ideas.
- Girl Guides/Brownies and Scouts are great for getting kids thinking about others and how to contribute to the community.
- Volunteering is a helpful way for kids to see how empathy works in practice. We have volunteered with The Cinnamon Trust – a charity that puts volunteers in touch with elderly or disabled pet owners who need help.
2. The Confidence to Act
We need to do more than just feel empathy; we need to act on our feelings of empathy too – but we might sometimes be doubtful about the best course of action.
At around 7 months old, babies learn that they are separate beings from their caregivers, and at around 7 years old, they begin to learn that there is more to life than ‘me’; they become less egocentric and realise that not everyone has the same feelings as them.
There’s a window here (until the teenage years bring those egocentric blinkers back) and this is the best time to talk to kids about what it is to feel empathy.
For example, feeling sad for their friend if they slip, hurt themselves and cry and what they should do with those feelings. What do they like others to do when this happens to them? Do they feel comforted by an arm around their shoulder or verbal reassurance?
However, they also need to be able to understand that how they like to be comforted, isn’t necessarily how others might wish to be comforted – and this needs both a bit of intuition and observance.
Help your child by asking them what their friends like, get them to think about this when they choose birthday presents for those friends and talk to them about how people have different personalities and different ways of interacting. When my daughter wondered why a few of the girls in her class liked playing games different from hers, we talked about exactly this.
We need the confidence to act on our empathy. We don’t want to get it wrong and we don’t want to be seen as interfering. Kindness is not always an easy thing to put into practice.
We might feel awkward approaching someone who is crying, and wonder if they might prefer to be left alone. Or we might feel anxious about sticking up for someone who is being bullied in case we are then on the receiving end.
We need to learn to put our own uncomfortable feelings to one side and focus on that other person and how they are feeling. Sometimes it takes practice.
But we need to remember that if our actions come from the heart and are carried out with the best of intentions, we go right more often than we go wrong.
3. Respecting Difference
It’s important to help older kids think about various scenarios and expose them to differences. This is where travel is so relevant – if they can see how different cultures and communities live, they can learn to have compassion for difference and think about how it must feel to live a life different from their own.
Recently, my son told me about a clip he’d watched about a young man who thought he was a dog and lived his life in a dog suit and ate dog food. His first response to this was that it was funny and a bit crazy.
It was an opportunity for a conversation about mental health issues and whether it was kind to put people on TV shows, whether they’d consented or not, in order to make fun of them. He was able to appreciate the ethical dilemma in this and while
I’m sure this won’t be the last clip in this vein he sees, I hope he will watch the next with a bit more of a critical eye and a bit more empathy for those individuals and their lives.
4. Being A Kind Parent Creates Kind Kids
This one is easier said than done on many occasions. So often, when our child does or says something we don’t like, we come down on them like a ton of bricks.
We want them to be kind and considerate – but we’re not always kind and considerate to them.
A tip I liked from an adopter (but I am not always great at carrying out myself!) is to let your kids know you’ve held them in mind – buy them a little something you think they’ll like and leave it under their pillow for them to find. It’s not spoiling them to let them know you’ve been thinking of them – as long as it’s not every day!
If you have more than one child, give them each one to one time and make sure their ‘bucket’ is full. The book Love Bombing by Oliver James is a great place to start.
When tiny, babies learn to mirror the facial expressions and gestures of their caregivers. As they grow older, they will mirror your kindness. Your kids will watch how you speak to waiters, whether you get up for the elderly passenger on the train, and whether you fully listen and make eye contact when they’re trying to tell you something.
Tell your kids when you’ve caught them in a kind act and thank them for it.
5. Social Media And Showing Kindness To Others
In today’s world, it is all too easy to pass judgement, shielded by anonymity and helped along by the ease and speed of the internet. And, as we know, for some it’s led to depression, self-harm and even death. This is the world our kids are living in.
Social media, whether a force for good or bad, is something we didn’t have to navigate growing up. It’s tough to offer guidance to kids on something we didn’t encounter.
But the golden rules can be simple:
- Comment only when you have something useful or kind to say
- Don’t make it personally
- If everyone/ anyone could see your post, would you still post it?
Generally, children are geared towards being empathetic and kind. Most of the time, they don’t plan to exclude or upset others.
However, they also often only see what is right in front of them, rather than the big picture, and therefore, may not realise the full impact of their behaviours. It’s our role as parents to keep pointing out that bigger picture to them.
Take a look below for more ideas…
Kindness For Kids Resources:
For more advice and information on kindness for children and how to nurture it, take a look at these resources:
Be kind movement – educating children in kindness and emotional intelligence, specifically through the use of film.
Simon Sinek – The Power of Kindness
Dalai Lama: We need an Education of the Heart – An op-ed for the LA Times.
Big Life Journal – fantastic workbooks, journals and kits for kids (including a ‘Kindness and Community’ kit) plus a podcast and information for parents too.
Random Acts of Kindness – practical tips and ideas; it includes a section for kids to help get them thinking about kind things they can do.
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